Another year comes to an end leaving me thinking many thoughts. Looking back on the year, it was rough, uncomfortable, fun, full of sex, full of despair and downheartedness, hits, misses, alcohol, cigarettes, friends, lovers, ended relationships, new relationships, excitement, and many more things in between and beyond. A new year is about to begin, for some it already has. Who knows what this year has in store for us? For me? I am entering my last semester of my undergraduate degree and I am torn between the desire to finish and fear of joblessness in May. The economy is in the dumps and I can't even find a part-time job. I've humbled myself enough to even apply at the most mundane places for the worst jobs and the most unwanted shifts. As for my personal life, I made some very good friends this semester, two of which have now decided that they no longer want anything to do with me. The third is who I believe to be my true love. I can't say I've treated her as well as I would have liked, and I can't say she has treated me as well as she could have, nevertheless, I love her. Imagine my surprise when she asked me to marry her before she gets shipped out to Iraq (she's in the US National Guard, a medic). I know she's asking merely for a marriage of convenience, but it doesn't bother me at all. I'm actually quite excited about it. Who knows, maybe when she comes back she will decide that she wants to stay with me.... I have realized this year that I really have no clue about anything in my life. I have never had regrets about the past, and I still don't. Furthermore, I haven't ever had doubts about the future, I generally just 'take it as it comes', so to say. Now, however, with me entering the REAL job market in a little over 4 months, I can't help but worry about what is going to happen. A reasonable fear, perhaps, but still unusual for me. I've grown a lot as a person this year, but I also see that I have a lot of room to improve further. My main problem is that I have attachment issues, meaning that I get attached to any girl who spends any time with me. A clear sign of a hopeless romantic, sure, but not good. So as the year ends, I am sitting here feeling utterly hopeless and downtrodden. Many people have dreams for a bright future, but I have no dreams, only worries. I suppose that's the price I pay for having an overly-logical outlook on life. I have never been afraid of death, but I have never felt closer to it than I do now. Please understand that I'm not ungrateful for how my life has gone so far, I just don't agree with most of the events that have happened to me. I mean, honestly, do you think I would be such a cold-logic realist nihilist if I had had a good life so far? I'm concerned about the coming year because I will finally be turning 21. In America, this signifies the year in which I am legally allowed to purchase and drink alcohol, and seeing as I have had problems with trying to cure bouts of depression with alcohol in the past, I can't justify this event as a good thing. I know my limits and I live with my parents, for now, so that may help me hold back, but say something terrible happens, I may not be able to restrain myself, and that scares me. What if Jamie (National Guard girl aforementioned) dies in Iraq? I know I shouldn't dwell on 'what ifs', but it's hard not to. I don't know how I would cope with that kind of news. I dearly hope I will never have to find out. I also don't want to move away from her. Being away from her over this winter vacation is bad enough already, I don't want us separated again. On the other hand, this city is a piss-poor excuse for a city and I NEED to get out of here. Anyway, I wish you all a Happy New Year. I wish all the best for you and your families. At this point I would apologize for writing so much, but seeing as no one ever reads my journal entries, I won't.