So, I've been unsure of how to ask people, but I've finally gotten at least one, maybe two people, to agree to model for me. I'm trying to start a new series of photographing people. I've found that I absolutely adore the human body. Primarily the female body. I just think that female bodies are amazing. The things they're meant for, the changes they go through, and just the general anatomy, etc. Compared with that, male bodies are kind of boring, lol! Soooo, that being said, I hope you look forward to this new series which I hope to start before the end of this month. I'm totally stoked, I hope you will all enjoy the pics when they are submitted. And, I know we're all poor, but maybe buy some

Another year comes to an end leaving me thinking many thoughts. Looking back on the year, it was rough, uncomfortable, fun, full of sex, full of despair and downheartedness, hits, misses, alcohol, cigarettes, friends, lovers, ended relationships, new relationships, excitement, and many more things in between and beyond. A new year is about to begin, for some it already has. Who knows what this year has in store for us? For me? I am entering my last semester of my undergraduate degree and I am torn between the desire to finish and fear of joblessness in May. The economy is in the dumps and I can't even find a part-time job. I've humbled myself enough to even apply at the most mundane places for the worst jobs and the most unwanted shifts. As for my personal life, I made some very good friends this semester, two of which have now decided that they no longer want anything to do with me. The third is who I believe to be my true love. I can't say I've treated her as well as I would have liked, and I can't say she has treated me as well as she could have, nevertheless, I love her. Imagine my surprise when she asked me to marry her before she gets shipped out to Iraq (she's in the US National Guard, a medic). I know she's asking merely for a marriage of convenience, but it doesn't bother me at all. I'm actually quite excited about it. Who knows, maybe when she comes back she will decide that she wants to stay with me.... I have realized this year that I really have no clue about anything in my life. I have never had regrets about the past, and I still don't. Furthermore, I haven't ever had doubts about the future, I generally just 'take it as it comes', so to say. Now, however, with me entering the REAL job market in a little over 4 months, I can't help but worry about what is going to happen. A reasonable fear, perhaps, but still unusual for me. I've grown a lot as a person this year, but I also see that I have a lot of room to improve further. My main problem is that I have attachment issues, meaning that I get attached to any girl who spends any time with me. A clear sign of a hopeless romantic, sure, but not good. So as the year ends, I am sitting here feeling utterly hopeless and downtrodden. Many people have dreams for a bright future, but I have no dreams, only worries. I suppose that's the price I pay for having an overly-logical outlook on life. I have never been afraid of death, but I have never felt closer to it than I do now. Please understand that I'm not ungrateful for how my life has gone so far, I just don't agree with most of the events that have happened to me. I mean, honestly, do you think I would be such a cold-logic realist nihilist if I had had a good life so far? I'm concerned about the coming year because I will finally be turning 21. In America, this signifies the year in which I am legally allowed to purchase and drink alcohol, and seeing as I have had problems with trying to cure bouts of depression with alcohol in the past, I can't justify this event as a good thing. I know my limits and I live with my parents, for now, so that may help me hold back, but say something terrible happens, I may not be able to restrain myself, and that scares me. What if Jamie (National Guard girl aforementioned) dies in Iraq? I know I shouldn't dwell on 'what ifs', but it's hard not to. I don't know how I would cope with that kind of news. I dearly hope I will never have to find out. I also don't want to move away from her. Being away from her over this winter vacation is bad enough already, I don't want us separated again. On the other hand, this city is a piss-poor excuse for a city and I NEED to get out of here. Anyway, I wish you all a Happy New Year. I wish all the best for you and your families. At this point I would apologize for writing so much, but seeing as no one ever reads my journal entries, I won't.

It's been nearly 4 months since my last journal, and I must say, a lot has happened. I left my old job, I've been doing terribly in all my courses, I am officially over $1500 in debt with no job because in this fucked-up economy, no one is hiring, I continuously succeed in pissing off the very girl I care about the most right now, and I think I'm going to go crazy.
Also, not fun, I'm officially experiencing nicotine withdrawal coupled with (or leading to) severe insomnia. This is not a good thing. I'm already skipping way too many of my classes, and now let's add insomnia, great idea!
I am at the point where I've become convinced that things really can't get any worse. And, contrary to most people who would be optimistic about this and say "if things can't get worse, they can only get better", I know that it will be ages before things get any better. I just can't shake the feeling that I'm in or heading for disaster.
So it's 0500 now. That means in 6 hours I get to have my adviser tell me how bad I'm failing all my classes and how that won't do me any good if I'm to get my degree at the end of next semester. Then, an hour and a half after that, I get to sit through a Japanese culture class being taught by a Chinese woman who can speak neither Japanese nor English. 1.5 hours thereafter, I get to go to the class where I will see the girl I'm infatuated with, but considering that I don't know if she's still mad at me, or if she's still remotely interested in me, that won't be fun. After 1.5 hours of that, I get to go home and (hopefully) pass the fuck out. Through all of this, I have to resist the urge to go and buy cigarettes with borrowed money, when I know full well that although smoking will make my ulcer hurt again, and generally make me feel like shit, I still want to. Boy, isn't this gonna be a fun fuckin day?
I would really appreciate if people read this.... I've been also feeling really lonely of late. I have few good friends, and even those few have been virtually out of contact for the longest time.

I like the new format.

Anywho, I haven't posted a journal in months, so I thought I would update you guys as to how I'm doing.
I've been working a lot, and I mean a LOT. Between 30 and 40 hours every week. Plus I've started AMSLSU (Management Training) so that happens every Monday for the next 8-10 weeks. The classes put me to sleep, but the end result is totally worth the time. Mainly because I will be going from $7 to $9 per hour. Also, sometime within that 8-10 week period I should be expecting my semi-annual merit raise (only a few cents, but any extra helps).
I'm spending money like water, which is not a good thing, since I'm supposed to be saving up to help my parents pay for my next semester of college. Oops.
Two of my favourite managers are going on vacation the day after tomorrow, so I'll be stuck with people I don't really like. As for the other workers there, I really don't like anyone, but that's just something I'll have to deal with. Pretty soon, I'll be able to boss them around and that will be fun!
Also, I'm totally addicted to Diablo II online. If anyone plays on the US East gateway look for a character named TROGDOOOOOOOOOR!

Ok, so I went out today and got a tattoo!!!! W00T!!! I've always wanted one, but I was scared of needles, but I finally just went and did it!!!! Pics coming soon.